


Elysium

by Alka_seltzer



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, Domestic Violence, Fallen Angel Castiel, Gen, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Violence, Withdrawal, drug and alcohol abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 07:30:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4995685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alka_seltzer/pseuds/Alka_seltzer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the earth dies and the world spins slowly towards it's end, Castiel's grace is violently ripped from his body, leaving him in excruciating pain, hallucinating and going through grace withdrawals. With Dean nowhere to be found and angels no longer listening, Castiel turns to the one thing that always seemed to help humans become numb, alcohol and pain medicine. </p><p>Dean is frantic to find Cas, after Sam says yes to Lucifer, it seems all hope is lost. The angels have gone and the world has become a wasteland of death and disease. He prays to Cas day and night, angered when he gets no reply. That is, until he comes upon his old home in Lawerence, now abandoned and nearly uninhabitable. Inside he finds the shell of an angel he once knew, now human, and turning in on himself, ready to end it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_"Innocence, once lost, can never be regained. Darkness, once gazed upon, can never be lost."_

- ** _Paradise Lost_** John Milton

_"And I have seen all that you've seen. And I have been where you've been. No, our hands will never be clean. At least we can hold each other."_

_-When you Break_ Bear's Den

 

The day Sam Winchester said 'yes' to the Devil, was the day Castiel truly fell from heaven.

He had not seen Sam Winchester in a few years. Not since he and Dean had parted ways, though Cas was fond of Sam and appreciated him, he was loyal to Dean. Dean had been his charge, the human he knitted back together and recreated. Dean had always meant more to him than just a profound bond, it was a deeper, intimate affection that he didn’t understand and Dean didn’t want to talk about.

He had been in Lawrence, Kansas that day. Following a possible lead on the whereabouts of Lucifer, when he felt it. A ripple, that wound it’s way from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. It was a surge in power, a display of dominance over all the other angels. Cas reached up, clutching his chest, the heart there pounding. “Sam no,” he hissed. He could feel the others, other angels trembling in fear, fleeing, frantically looking for Michael. A foreign feeling (was it despair?) fell over him in a cold wave.

__

_“The other Winchester will not comply. He refuses to say yes to Michael-”_

__

_“Can you locate him-”_

__

_“Is he with Castiel-”_

__

_“No. He’s not-”_

__

_“Cas! Cas you got your ears on-”_ Cas covered his ears with his hands, staggering out of the gas station he’d been in. He could feel the stares, eyes of people watching his odd behavior as he made his way to the car he’d stolen (a trick he picked up from Dean). He groaned, leaning his forehead against the steering wheel, something in his body didn’t feel right, it was pulsing and his shoulders, where his wings were hidden, were throbbing painfully. The voices in his head rose, reaching a crescendo of noise, he started the car, hoping the engine would drown them out, praying that Dean would stop calling for him.

__

_“...We cannot win-”_

__

_“...No point-”_

__

_“...We can break him-”_

__

_“...Like Castiel will allow that-”_

__

_“...We’ll remind him of his first and true mission-”_

__

_“...he’ll rebel again. Always was a bad angel-”_

__

_“...! I need you! Please answer-”_

__

_“...Leave. We cannot win. Let the world burn. It’s what the Winchester wants anyway-”_

__

_“...Nothing left for us here….”_

A scream, high pitched and hoarse, ripped its way through Cas’s body. He jerked the steering wheel, sending the car flying off the road, the pain in his body as he crashed through the window, was nothing compared to what was happening beneath the surface. The sounds of his brothers and sisters, Dean’s sweet voice, all of it was fading, his wings were being torn from his body, his grace being taken, by force.

It was a searing, agonizing pain, he felt his wings being torn from his shoulders, ripped away sharply. Cas hissed and groaned, the sensation of flying through the car window, dulled by the pain in his back. His grace was white hot and burned as it left his body. He fell to the ground, rolling into a ditch, the dirty water there, offering some relief, but not much. His fingers clawed against the dirt, digging in to keep himself grounded as his grace was taken. His brothers and sisters were silent, Dean’s prayers no longer heard, only the painful throbbing of the long and slow process to becoming human.

_Human._

It dawned on Cas slowly, images flashing before his mind and emotions flooding him to the brink of madness. It hurt his head, it was too intense. He cried out, begging for his brothers and sisters to return, to spare him from this dreadful fate. “I don’t want this,” he sobbed, the feeling of tears was overwhelmingly odd and uncomfortable for him, angels don’t cry. “ _Please._..Don’t do this to me.” he cried. “ _Don’t_ do this.” the pain came in waves, washing in and out like a tide. Cas laid in the ditch, wincing and groaning, the car overturned somewhere above him and Dean, somewhere out there, was calling for him, needing him, but Cas could not respond.

**  
**  


 

Something was wrong. Dean could feel it. Cas never stayed away when he called, not anymore. He rubbed his temples with his thumb and forefinger, a half empty bottle of Tennesse Honey sitting on the dresser beside the bed.

“Cas, buddy please,” Dean tried again, weaker, with less hope. If Cas hadn’t come to him by that point, Dean was sure he wouldn’t be coming at all. But he still had to try. “Cas I know..I know things are hard right now, the angels are pushin’ us with all their might. Tryin’ their damndest to get me to say yes to that son of a bitch. But I won’t...And I need you man. I need you here to help me find Sammy. I need you so we can be a family again….The three of us.”he swallowed hard, tears stinging at his eyes. Dean hadn’t talked to his brother in so long.

“You win.” Dean jerked, grabbing the angel blade that had been hidden beneath his pillow, he held it up, poised at the angel that now stood in front of him. Zachariah glowered at him, with a defeated expression. “Calm down Dean. I’m not here to fight.” Zachariah sighed, snatching the bottle of whiskey off the bedside table. He took a large sip before turning to Dean, shaking the bottle at him. “You...heh...You are one tough cookie to crack.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Dean snapped. He didn’t trust Zachariah for a second.

“We’re leaving. The angels are leaving.” Dean sucked in a sharp breath, shock rushing through his body. They’re leaving? He thought.

“Where’s Cas? He going too?” Zachariah set the bottle of whiskey back down, before going over to the bed where Dean stood. Dean moved, backing away from the angel as he sat down.

“Your brother said yes Dean...Lucifer is parading around in your brother’s skin now….” Dean’s jaw clenched, his hold on the angel blade tightening. “You won’t say yes,” Zachariah scoffed, “No. You’re too stubborn. You’ll never say yes...So we give up...This world was important to our Father, but he’s gone. We’re not going to risk our lives for it anymore. It’s not worth it when all the rest is left.”

“You’re lying.” Dean snarled, his eyes narrowed, he couldn’t believe it. He and Sam may not have spoken for a while, but Sam was not stupid. He would never give in. Zachariah shook his head, standing again and looking at Dean with pity.

“No, _you’re_ lying to yourself. You always have. You’re only a man. You’re no match for the likes of us. Monsters and vile beasts in the night maybe. But you never really had a chance against celestial beings like us...And neither did Sam.” Dean flinched as Zachariah clapped him on the back, turning to leave. Dean’s heart was pounding, the world around him began to spin.

“What about Cas!” he managed to choke out, Zachariah stopped, turning back to him, a sadistic smirk on his face.

“Cas isn’t coming with us. He made his choice long ago and now he will deal with the consequences.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Dean shouted, but Zachariah had fled. Dean grabbed his phone, his fingers shook as he scrolled through for Cas’s number. He pressed call, if Cas answered he would go to him. He would go to wherever he was and they’d find a way to save Sam together.

Cas never answered.

**  
**  


Blood was warm. It was the first conscious thought Cas made after he blacked out. The initial pain of losing his grace, had made him faint. He didn’t remember falling asleep, but when he woke up the pain had dulled somewhat to a soft thrumming within him, a sharp pulse every time he caught his breath, and a tender ache when he finally stood. His leg hurt, and his shoulder was hanging low, it felt oddly out of place, one of his eyes was swollen and there were many, many cuts and bruises on his body. He just wanted to rest. Find somewhere and sleep. The night air was cool and the sensation of cold was nearly unbearable. Becoming human, fading grace, made all human senses and emotions heighten. he could feel every lick of the wind against his skin, every drop of water dripping off his body. It hurt. Being human hurt.

Images flashed before his eyes, almost to the point that he couldn’t see anything else. Memories of Sam, and Dean, of his family, flashed in front of him, quickly, creating the beginnings of a headache behind his eyes. The moments hurt, they squeezed in his chest, causing him actual, physical pain, and longing. He longed for the camaraderie and the affection the brother’s had shown him. He wanted them back. He missed them.

  
He managed to stagger and crawl towards the main road,memories echoing in his ears and distorting his vision still,  the remains of his car left to rot in the field where he’d crashed. Everything had happened so fast. He looked around, it was dark, the moon high in the sky, not a car or person or animal in sight. The house where Sam and Dean had lived as children was not far. Cas remembered passing by it on his way to the gas station, uninhabited, it had been left to rot from the inside out on the street corner. _Just like me_. Cas thought. _I’ve been left to die_. A broken sob escaped him and with each step he took another piece of the angel he had been was falling behind him.  For the first time in his long, long life, Castiel felt truly alone.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -suicidal thoughts  
> -hallucinations

Later on Dean would tell people he knew where he was going.

But in all actuality he just got in the car and drove. He didn’t know where he was going, just prayed that Cas would be there when he finally stopped. The silence from his friend was deafening and the longer it went on the more Dean feared the worst. it just wasn’t like Cas to stay away for so long, especially when Dean needed him. He nearly jumped out of his skin when the phone on the dash started to vibrate, ringing incessantly. Dean snatched it up, eyes still on the road, it was a rainy, dreary day, but everything faded into the background as he pressed the phone to his ear, hope stirring in his belly. “Cas?”

_“Dean. It’s Chuck.”_ Dean’s heart sank. Not that he wasn’t happy to hear Chuck was alive, but if it was Chuck then that meant Cas was still MIA. Dean sighed, the hope that had risen slowly, sinking back down into the pit of his stomach.

“Yeah. Chuck, how are you?”

_“I’m okay. I think. A little scared and wound up but….Dean,Sam-”_

“I know,” Dean cut him off. He didn’t want to hear it again, the longer he ignored it the more he could pretend it didn’t happen. Shove it down and keep rolling. That was the Winchester way, always had been. He heard Chuck take a deep breath on the other end of the line.

__

_“So I take it you know about Cas too?”_ Dean’s heart skipped a beat, he jerked the steering wheel, nearly sliding off the road into a ditch.

“What about Cas?” He asked, trying not to sound too concerned. The truth was, he was worried and more than a little scared. If Sammy was really gone, then Cas was all that he would have left. No one else mattered then. He needed Cas to be alright.

_“The angels, before they left, they took his grace….I saw it.”_ Dean sucked in a sharp breath, unsure how to take the news. He didn’t fully understand what that meant.

“So what? He’s dead?” Dean grimaced, his voice catching on the end of ‘dead’ If Chuck heard him he ignored it, choosing to respect Dean enough not to tease or taunt.

_“No man. Worse than that….Cas is becoming_ human _.”_ Dean knitted his brow in confusion, relief flooding him.

“How’s that a bad thing? The guy’s alive, just lost his mojo.”

_“No Dean….This isn’t just ‘losing his mojo.’ the actual process of losing grace is excruciatingly painful, your wings are ripped from your body and you are flooded with human emotions all at once and all turned up to one hundred. I’m sure Cas wishes he was dead right now, especially compared to the pain he’s experiencing.”_ Dean was speechless. He didn’t know how to respond to that. If it was as bad as Chuck said, then Cas was out there, all alone and in pain. So maybe this time it was him who needed Dean, instead of the other way around.

“I don’t understand...I don’t understand why the other angels would-”

“ _Because of_ you _Dean. Cas is fond of you, and your brother. He rebelled and fought against Heaven for_ you. _.I saw it all. His brother made the decision. Michael’s exact words were ‘_ He wants to be human so badly. We’ll make him one permanently.” Dean shivered, Zachariah’s face and words coming back to haunt him as he now knew what they meant. _Castiel made his choice long ago, he’ll have to deal with the consequences_.

“Chuck is he still alive? He isn’t…” Dean couldn’t finish that sentence. It was all too overwhelming, his throat was closing up and his cheeks felt hot, tears pooling and blurring his vision. He would blame it on the rain outside, say that Baby had a leak. But it was him. He was leaking, the great and fearless Dean Winchester, was cracking.

_“He’s in Lawrence Dean...he was looking into something when they took his grace….The last thing I saw was…”_ Chuck trailed off, unwilling to finish telling Dean what he’d seen. This annoyed Dean for some reason, he needed to know what Chuck had seen so he could find Cas.

“Spit it out Chuck,” Dean snapped, unapologetically.

__

_“There was a car accident. Cas went through the window and landed in a ditch...That’s all I know.”_ Dean felt a little more at ease. There was just as fair a chance that Cas would still be alive as there was that he would be dead. Dean just had to get there before he had a chance to check out. He cleared his throat, wiping at his eyes.

“Thanks Chuck….When I get Cas we’ll head your way.”

 

_“Thanks Dean...Be careful out there.”_

“Will do.” Dean tossed the phone in the passenger seat and hit the accelarator hard enough that it touched the floor. Baby was dead silent, Dean concentrated and focused on one thing. The only thing he had left to hang onto.

_Cas._

Cas was curled up in a ball in the corner of what used to be the living room. The night had been cold and he’d thrown the bloody, old trench coat over his body for warmth. It worked, some. The Winchester house was vacant now, holes in the walls and floorboards, the average rat or mouse here and there. Cas didn’t notice much, too distracted by the pains in his body. His wings were nearly gone and his grace was burning out of his body. It was a slow, agonizing progress, and the less grace he had, the more he shook, the more he was drenched in sweat and the more he craved it. He needed it back. Because being human hurt. It hurt too much when you were used to feeling nothing at all.

“I died for this?” Cas’s eyes snapped open. He looked up, lifting his head weakly, towards the doorway. His stomach lurched in guilt.

“G-Gabriel…” he said in shock, he rubbed his eyes, blinked a couple times, yet there he stood, hands shoved in his coat pockets, except the usual cocky smirk was gone. In it’s place, a menacing scowl. Cas cowered, his body shaking and convulsing weakly, craving and calling out for the grace that was leaving him. The foreign feelings, the feelings of guilt and loss, they terrified Cas. But it’s all he could think when Gabriel came fully into the room, there was no mistaking the gaping wound in his chest.

“You let that _son of a bitch_ win!” Gabriel snarled. Cas looked down at the floorboards, tears falling down his cheeks. It was strange and kind of beautiful, how they came so freely now. “I gave my life for your stupid cause! For those stupid boys! And for this! Castiel! What the fuck have you done!” Cas flinched, guilt rolling through him, striking at his heart like lightning. He watched a cockroach scurry across the floor, focusing on that, rather than his brother, as he spoke.

“Gabriel...Gabriel I’m sorry…” he tried to say more, but he couldn’t form the words. Nothing he said would bring his brother back. He knew that.

“What about us?” the second voice, softer and less menacing, but still just as accusing, spoke from behind Gabriel. Cas looked up to see Jo Harvelle, bloody and broken, standing next to his brother, her mother just beside her. “We died for nothing too then huh? What kind of angel are you? You failed Castiel..You failed.” a broken sob escaped him, making his chest shudder and his head pound. They glared at him, unmerciful. Gabriel’s lips were still pulled back in a sneer.

“Father always said you were broken. That’s why he left. You failed your mission. Failed your brothers. Failed Dean. You’re nothing Castiel. You don’t deserve the air you breathe.” Cas’s chest constricted, it hurt to breathe, for his heart to beat. He looked up through blurry, tear stained eyes, nothing he said could amend the mistakes he made. He was broken. “If I was as pathetic as you, I would have killed myself ages ago.” this shocked Cas, stunning him, as he never thought Gabriel would utter those words to anyone. He hissed, recoiling and turning back in on himself. Gabriel gestured down the hallway, Cas hadn’t been able to venture that far yet, in too much pain to even walk.

“There’s some pain medicine and two bottles of whiskey in the cellar. Left here by the last owners of the house...They’ll make it easier for you Castiel. You can just fade out. It won’t hurt.” Jo’s voice was calm and monotonous, as if she didn’t care one way or another, Cas’s eyes landed on Ellen, who was just behind Jo. The older woman nodded her agreement.

“I-It hurts.” he finally said. “Being human hurts.” Jo snorted, no sympathy in her gaze.

“Being human has never been easy. You can’t turn things off. You have to face them...You have to face this Castiel.” Cas’s head was spinning. He didn’t know if it was really them there or just him imagining things, but they were right, things would be easier if he just died. Who cares where he’d be going. The pain would end, he’d be enveloped in darkness...In peace.

“B-But Dean,” he managed to say, a conscious and clearly focused thought breaking through the fog. Cas shook his head, he may be in pain, he may be human, but he wouldn’t leave Dean. He’d never leave Dean, not now. “I can make things right by staying with Dean, keeping him alive.” Jo shook her head, she stepped into the room and knelt down in front of Cas, reaching out to brush her fingers through his blood caked hair. She pulled a little and it stung.

“Dean isn’t coming for you. You didn’t help him save Sam. What makes you think he’d forgive you for that? Letting go will help him move on. Letting go will give him peace and relief," she smiled. “It’s the best thing you can do for him.” she kissed his forehead gently, pushing the trenchcoat from his shoulders. Jo helped him stand, letting him use her as weight to lean on. Gabriel and Ellen watched them carefully as Jo lead him down towards the cellar.

  
“Just let go Cas,” she whispered gently, “it’s okay to give in now. You’ve damaged enough.”


End file.
